f scott fitzgerald – you are so right/wrong

the test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. – f. scott fitzgerald

this quote, while likely a heinously cliched line, is quite possibly the most perfect way to understand conviction.  ask me for a contradiction and i will ask you for a conversation.  it is the nature of this life and this world that we are mired in contradictions.  hypocrisy is an inherent reality in our everyday go-abouts and though it invariably draws the ire of so many stalwart, principled men (and women), we only do so because it is so hard to achieve the aforementioned ‘first-rate intelligence’.

we are told to be our very best and to excel beyond the flock, yet we must strive for equality and fairness.  we ask for humility and restraint, yet we idealize passionate, expressive individualism.  we seek harmony, yet reject conformity.  we seek absolute freedom, yet balk at social deviation.

it is not something that we consider often, because the opinionated are only so through their convictions and their convictions are only so through their ignorance.  one can only support universal health-care when ignoring the right to privacy and property.  we can only support the free market when we ignore the inherent inequality it produces.  there are so many things we believe in that we consider to be instrumental towards painting an accurate portrait of our identities that we must inevitably indulge in hypocrisy in order to navigate the unclear and nonpartisan nature of the real world.  this reality, cold and warm, bitter and sweet, it provides no meaning, no suggestions, no moral compass in any matter.  it is only man who generates these meanings (tip of the hat to kant) and it is exactly because of the meaningless reality that we have so many complex beliefs about everything.  when in the absence of direction, we scatter.  we arbitrarily choose any direction and run.  but when we realize finally that every story has an equally compelling antithesis, we freeze with uncertainty and doubt.  we wallow in confusion and disarray- OR-we simply adapt the world to our existing schema, mold it to our needs, and tip the scales so that we might again find the conviction to move.

i have thought upon the life i lead and wondered of the virtues i aspire towards.  i have reviewed and critiqued and edited myself over and over, and in each session, i have come nose-to-nose with contradiction.  yet i realize that there are desires and needs which the indulgence of make life palatable and preferable over nothingness.  i stepped down from the soapbox long ago for only the truly confused believe they have something true to say (lol- hypocrisy).  i have given up the task of decoding and submitted to the simple state of being.  if there is meaning, it is not for us to know.  for us, we have but the most basic desires of the flesh.  all else is a perversion of those needs, folded over and over into a convolution of contradictions.  that voice you hear, your conscience, the angel upon your shoulder, your jiminy cricket; that is your mother and father speaking.  that is cnn and mtv speaking.  that is the text of your childhood stories speaking.  it is not real like the glacial ice of the arctic or the iron core of earth.  but make no mistake that it does bear consequences, for as unreal as it may be, it is part of you and will always be, like the use of forks and knives or driving on the right lane.  we can dissect the theoretical ambiguity of our beliefs forever, but what life would that amount to?  a life of counting stars or catching fireflies; useless in every way.  but we have our likes and dislikes, our desires etched upon our souls and to abstain would be to squander the gift of life.  you have all eternity to be ascetic, but only these brief years to indulge.

so the fundamentalist who preaches of bombing abortion clinics shall indulge in the hypocrisy of his beliefs because it is what pleases and soothes his being.  the musician who writes sentimental, unoriginal ballads will do so because it soothes his being.  the teenage girl who reads serialized fantasies of vampiric romance will do so because it soothes her being.  and i will squander a few hours everyday counting the stars because it soothes my being.  though i might know and understand the hypocrisy, the incredible tragedy of my decisions, the immense wrongness of my actions, it is my only power in this life to indulge.  and for those who find it wrong for me to indulge, it is their prerogative to act against me, and soothe their offended beliefs, for that is all they have.

i believe in many things, foremost is the irrelevance of all my beliefs, but i refuse to let it weigh me down, for i can do nothing more than choose a direction and run.  that is conviction.  it is unfaltering and unrelenting and unshakable conviction.