my pretty ford

every friday night, there’s a car…thing in somerville where people bring out their prized cars to proudly hog all the parking and cause considerable traffic along main st.  however, it is quiet festive and anyone who enjoys a good ol’ slice of americana and all around bustle would probably appreciate it.  also if you like cars.  there’s an old station wagon covered in odd paraphernalia and stickers that always shows up.  i like to think of it as the ugly girl who covers her face with a paper bag and degrades herself for attention.  here are some more appetizing cars i was able to catch on my phone.  btw, that’s the 3rd ford gt i’ve seen in-person within a single month.  or are they all the same one?!?!

ford gt spotting

i was driving home from work in basking ridge when I caught this sexy thing cruising around ahead of me.  i quickly accelerated to catch up and then pulled out my camera phone to snap these three pictures.  no, i don’t see how that relates to when my license was suspended.

why don’t you just learn the guitar, hero?

despite my urgent warnings to proscribe guitar hero from my sister, my parents nevertheless decided to buy it for her and now the villainous game is in my house, decaying the creative potential of my family. i say family because i caught my dad playing it today. it was weird. i can appreciate the pure technical prowess required to faithfully replicate button sequences at high speeds, but it makes me wonder why someone who can perform the feat featured above, doesn’t just learn to play a real guitar. it’s clear that he has the mental focus and digital dexterity to coordinate a flurry of motions that undoubtedly resembles an epileptic spider. why not use that talent on the real deal? i think what people really want is to be graded on their performances. that’s what makes these guitar games so fun. they grade you so that you know there is always room for improvement. someone needs to create a program that listens to actual guitar playing and then grades the performance. maybe then more people will learn to play the actual instrument. i wouldn’t mind going around telling people how much they suck while they play their favorite rock songs on a real six-string but there’s only so much of me to go around. shame.

the long winding road to fast cars

recently, i lost my one and only copy of call of duty 4 to an act of violence unparalleled in modern history. i cannot think of a single moment, let alone a stretch of time within the past two centuries in which more violations to human rights were committed than in the single instance my dad scratched up my cod4 disc. surely forced relocation and non-consensual euthanasia pale in comparison to the atrocity of losing the best online multiplayer game in recent years. it was also like $50 when i got it. needless to say, i’ve been forced to revisit my games of yore, sometimes reaching back as far as a year. talk about retro gaming. anyway, i’ve taken up relearning the joys of kissing the apex and tuning gear ratios with a fun little game called forza 2 motorsport.

during a particularly tedious run of the nürburgring nordschleife track (not nearly as fun as pronouncing the name), my mind began wandering off as i grew weary of the monotonous forests of germany (this explains my traffic record). soon i was pondering how best to answer a question that’s been popping up occasionally among the girls i know. “why do they advertise 0-60 in car commercials?” or the declarative variant, “i hate when they advertise 0-60 in car commercials.”

the argument goes that it’s needless to purchase a car for its acceleration or performance because it is so rare that one can truly enjoy the g’s when driving during the typical excursion. nor is it rational to purchase a car with racing credentials when you are clearly not a professional race car driver. while i am quick to cede the argument that performance cars are not rational purchases, i find it ironic to hear women preaching the virtues of rational spending.

to put it in the simplest terms, performance sports cars are luxury items. they fall into the same category as designer shoes. clearly, you don’t need 20 pairs of shoes to get by, nor do you need one that’s worth over $500. you’re never going to use them, just like the 500 ft lbs of torque we will never use on the road. it’s not a matter of practicality, it’s a matter of luxury. you’d be hard pressed to find a person who doesn’t dream of indulging in some needless expenditures, whether it be a 6 bath mansion, a $3,000 guitar, or even a 52″ plasma. it’s just that simple. in america, we value luxury. if you want a no-frills lifestyle, i suggest moving to guatemala; and unless you’re prepared to swear off all the frivolous crap you enjoy, i would suggest you stop asking why 0-60 is a legitimate concern to some people.

holy shit, i love faded paper figures

well, this was a surprise. if anyone has seen the recent lexus ad for the rx350 pebble beach edition, it features this gorgeous electronica track which i decided to search out. after a very brief search, i came across the band faded paper figures who supposedly wrote the song used in the commercial. i then looked up this indie electronica band and lo and behold, they were marvelous. it was like sensual love making in my ear, the kind that makes you tear with joy and not feel like you have to blame it on dust. they sound very much like the postal service which is a fantastic compliment. anyways, i just wanted to say how much i loved these guys. as soon as i find out how, i’m going to buy an album, even though they put all there songs out for free on myspace.com. these guys deserve money for their art and i am more than happy to deliver. fantastic. here’s the ad i first heard them in.

hey sarge, where are we?

like many a trigger happy youths, i have recently taken to playing call of duty 4: modern warfare with a zeal normally reserved only for the most vital of functions, like breathing or using the bathroom. indeed, the game is a masterpiece within the fps genre. however, as anyone who’s played through the campaign knows, the backdrop of the story is somewhat vague, particularly the segments unfolding in the middle east. if you have politically invested friends like me, you will inevitably have heard one ask, “what country is this in?” to which you answer in one of two ways. first, as an ignorant american you might be inclined to say, “iraq, duh”. you’d be wrong…sorta. a more appropriate answer would be, various undisclosed middle eastern regions. to better educate the public and make it more clear as to which nations this video game has deemed imminent threats to american safety, i have taken the liberty of comparing the mapped locations indicated in the loading sequences with an actual political map to finally settle once and for all where cod4 is taking place. the results are as follows.

the coup/the bog/war pig: saudi arabia

charlie don’t surf: kuwait

shock and awe: iraq/iran (border)

so there you have it. saudi arabia, kuwait, iraq, and iran will all soon be diversionary theaters of war to mask an ultranationalist russian plot to reclaim the motherland. now when your friends ask where the game is taking place, you can start rehearsing the state dept. travel warning list. then, when they ask how it is that all these countries are under one rule, you can tell them its just a game. a blood-soaked, ultra-violent, arab-massacring game. hoorah!

gg mang

lolpussiez

found this on gizmodo, thought it was lolpussiez, decided to post it here. i’m a pussy burglar.

awesome!

c-ad-illac

i’m going to pretend like there hasn’t been a huge hiatus for postings since school started and just jump right back into it.

i was watching discovery atlas on dhdt and it was the episode on modern china. i had seen something similar to this, only a montage set to music at a costco once while perusing through the hdtv section. ever since then i’ve been trying to hunt down that demo, with little luck and while i don’t believe this discovery special was what i was watching, it fills the role well enough for me to feel like i’ve brought democracy to iraq. mission accomplished, boys. anyways, i must say that documentary was absolutely fantasmigorical, scrumtrelescent even. totally on par with the planet earth series. adding to the generous enlightening of the show was a notable new ad campaign by cadillac for the 2008 cts which i found extremely appealing and effective. because i can’t post a youtube vid of the entire atlas: china revealed special, i’ll just leave that to you to investigate, but the new cadillac ad i can post, and i will explain what makes it so good.

first off, yes, that is kate walsh, whose career i find absolutely detestable. grey’s anatomy sucks my testicles with the kind of force that jim dyson dreams about at night. and after watching this ad, i find myself fantasizing about ms. walsh doing the same. nothing helps to pop a tent like the idea of degrading a successful woman with loads of cash and dignity but who is actually a huge slut begging to get stuffed like the t-day turkey you all wolfed down recently. anyways, before i have to start paying you for the hour, allow me to continue on with why this ad is so good.

first of all, the grey’s anatomy audience is a crowd of impressionable materialistic go-getters who care a great deal about self-image and reputation. they’re the kind of people who want other people to look at them and say, ‘damn, i wish i were/fucking him/her,’ and though few clearly look the part, many are willing to shill the dinero needed to play it. this means italian shoes, fancy cars, 3-figure haircuts, etc. also see nip/tuck. furthermore, kate walsh is the perfect age to hook the demographic cadillac should be targetting. nobody who relates themselves with hayden panettiere has enough dough to afford a luxury sports cars. kate is just the right age to harden those viagra popping business men while also being classy enough to draw the non-hostile envy of 30-something women all over america. hell, even i find her alluring in the ad. one might even say that she ‘turns my key’. yuck yuck.

there also happens to be a second variation of the ad, in which b-movie actor, matthew mcwannabe aka martin henderson, does the driving, while pitching a nice little speech about hindering individuality. now, martin henderson is probably best known for his role in the britney spears video for toxic. that being said, the age group this ad is targeting probably doesn’t recognize him or realize how pathetic his career is. all they see is a good-looking guy talking some big talk about beating hippies. unfortunately, this version is so unpopular that youtube does not have a video for it at the time. i will however explain the best part of this ad. part of the narration includes a line that goes something like this: ‘you could follow the philosophy that a nail that sticks out gets hammered; or you could be the hammer.’ this is a real knock-out punch, because it not only equates the cts with having individuality, but it equates it with having so much individuality, that it stifles the individuality of others, and of course that is the underlying dream of any rich businessman.

in conclusion, i wish to say good job modernista, the ad agency that handled this campaign. you guys did an unbelievable job at selling the cts. also, please give me a job.

who’s been a naughty doctor?  that’s right, bitch, you have.  now bend over so i can give you your shot.

oghc – overlord

proving that no one is immune to the vulgar language that all video games invariably bring forth from the vile and filthy pits of your stomachs to the tips of your tongues.

you can read more about grandma and her gaming insights, exploits, and adventures at old grandma hardcore.