transformers transformed (in my head)

so i saw transformers the other day, and i was stoned like a cheating afghan woman. i was really pumped because the special effects were sure to put me in a state of orgiastic visual ecstasy. when the new untitled j. j. abrams trailer came on, which i’d already seen leaked on youtube, i was buggin’ because that movie just looks really fucking crazy. there’s something about the end of the world that works really well with being stoned. fantastic four 2, transformers, nancy drew; each offers a grim possibility for an apocalyptic future and each best served with a slice of hash brownies. so then the movie starts, and once again, like fantastic four, there was crazy shit in space, and if there’s one thing i love more than watching awesome sfx while high as a kite, it’s watching awesome sfx about crazy space shit while high as a kite. so i listened to the soothing voice of peter cullen, as he explicated the epic story of the allspark and its seemingly godlike qualities. sadly, this is where the movie and i parted ways, for in my frenzied fervor to be told something fantastic, i constructed my own misinterpreted storyline for the allspark, and sat for an hour overwhelmed by the immensity of the story i was being told, but which i had really just imagined myself. now, in the movie, the allspark is an ancient relic from cybertron which imbued all machines on the planet with life. it was an artifact which megatron treacherously used to wage war on cybertron, hoping to enslave the planet. on the other hand, my interpretation had been that the allspark was a mystical relic of the universe, which imbued life on all barren planets, initiating an evolutionary process beginning with the most basic elements and components of the host planet.  i affectionately dubbed it the ‘god cube’.  i believed that the allspark had given life to the barren planet of cybertron, life which eventually evolved into the transformers. i also believed that the transformer race had unlocked the secrets of the allspark and begun to worship it.  later, megatron would use the allspark to dominate the entire planet and subjugate them into mindless drones (i.e. beast machines). also, i believed that megatron was a fanatic worshiper of the allspark, driven to tyranny by madness, and striving to ‘enslave and punish’ all life spawned from the allspark in some fanatic idealist rampage, like the dark and disturbingly morbid zeal of the catholic church during the inquisition. in the real movie, optimus prime and his rag tag rogue team of freedom fighters on cybertron manage to jettison the allspark deep into space where it drifted freely for millions of years before reaching earth 10,000 years in the past.  in my version, the ‘god cube’ drifted the cosmos for millions of years before landing on a primordial earth, where it then acted as the catalyst of a new evolutionary branch of life, leading up to the creation of the human race, thereby tying humans and transformers to the same unknown force that bonds all living entities in the universe. now, after millions of years of hunting for the allspark, the transformers finally track it to earth, coincidentally during the modern human age. megatron thus plans to enslave and punish all life on earth, which i believed to be part of his fanatic ‘to punish and enslave’ philosophy, but optimus and his team arrive to oppose the would be tyrant before another planet falls to his fanaticism. this was the plot as i perceived it in my drug induced haze. personally, i think it’s much better, and much more epic, as well as much darker in thematic content. so you can imagine my disappointment, halfway through the movie when i realized i had constructed a false plot that was actually more engrossing then the actual plot. megatron was not fanatical, nor were his decepticon followers, though i did appreciate the few ‘hail megatron’ lines which ironically came from starscream, traditionally known to be megatron’s brutus. however, in any case, i was saddened by my realization and found certain scenes hard to believe as simple human relations were hindering the transformers’ infinitely important mission to find the allspark. i would have believed that such a relic of massive importance would have overridden parental squabbles. in any case, the movie was still badass, as the special effects made my eyes pop and all the ‘wah wah wah wah wah’ transforming moments nearly drew me to my feet in a standing ovation. however, i still preferred by darker vision of the transformers universe more. the beast machines portrayal of megatron is probably my favorite incarnation of the malevolent villain as it imbues him with something much more than your run of the mill power hungry baddy; it gave him a belief that what he was doing was right, and that is what makes a truly terrifying villain (see george w. bush). maybe one day someone will make a movie or write a book or design a video game that mimics my imagined vision of the transformer universe. until then, i will just say that i cannot wait to get fucked up again and watch that movie in hd on blu-ray disc. also, i’d like to see megan fox in hd, with her clothes torn off and getting plowed on bumblebee’s hood. only time will tell if bay decides to add that to the special features.

henry ‘lego’ ford

this is sicker than a boy with leukemia. that’s hella ill, son! i mean, sure i could do the same thing in about 1/100 of the time, but only because of my engineering genius.

vroom vroom mf’ers!